June 2005

SOME THOUGHTS ON FATHERS' DAY

Often times, those of us in the Right to Life movement overlook someone who should be equally important in the abortion issue as the baby and the mother.  That is, of course, the father. Why we tend to dismiss them is beyond me. A man's right to choose fatherhood should be considered on an equal basis to a woman's right to choose to be a mother. They both have an equal contribution to the creation of a new life.  Each contributes the same number of chromosomes to the baby. This is a scientific fact. For the simple reason that the woman has, by nature, been given custody of the baby for the first 9 months, the Courts have determined that this gives her a greater say in the baby's very existence. Whether this is reasonable, or not, I would suggest that fathers have at least as strong a bond with their children, whether born or unborn, as their mothers; and that fathers have just as strong an instictive love as their mothers. In addition, they have the instinct to protect their children, in a way that mothers can't begin to imagine. Furthermore, society has decided that it is the father's obligation to provide for their babies, financially, in a way that is not expected of their mothers. Fathers also seem to have the burden of giving their children a moral conscience, according to a different standard than mothers.

As we approach Fathers' Day, I would like to write some reflections on some of the men I have known, and their roles as "Father."   First let me tell about my own father who would be 100 years old if he were alive today. He was born in a small town in Bosnia-Hercegovina, though it was Austria at the time.  He was raised in the Old World tradition. His father was very strict with him and would perceive open affection toward women and children as a sign of weakness in a man.  I can not recall a single time when my Dad ever said, "I love you." But I knew that he loved me and my brothers and sisters; and I knew that he loved my Mom. He had lost his 3 oldest children in a divorce.  In those days, the mother nearly always got custody of the children. My youngest brother died at the age of 19. Dad took it like a man. He did his crying, for the most part, in private. He was never really the same after that loss.  I knew then that he loved his children as deeply as any other more demonstrative man I have ever known.   I have no doubt what his views on abortion would be.  He was raised as a Catholic and had very strong faith in God.  He believed the Bible was not the last, but the only word in moral teaching.  Like I said, I had no doubt as to his beliefs.   I never had a chance to discuss it with him, but there was a definite understanding in our family that life was sacred and, as such, was God's exclusive territory. Dad would never have believed in abortion, legal and "safe" or otherwise.

Next, I would like to tell you about my father-in-law. He came from a similar tradition but was born about 20 years later than my Dad.  He had 1 sister and 6 brothers (not counting those who didn't survive infancy.) His father deserted the family when the children were small. They never knew him. His mother single-handedly raised the children in the same strict old-fashioned tradition as my Dad's parents. She was a strong Christian woman and a strict disciplinarian.  I can't say for sure what she would have done if abortion were legal at any time during her childbearing years.  I do know that my father-in-law is opposed to abortion.  He is a wonderful father, notwithstanding his lack of a good example to follow. Again, he never said, "I love you."  That doesn't mean that my husband and his siblings didn't know it, just the same.  Since our marriage, my husband has begun to say, "I love you" at the end of every phone call, and his Dad has responded. People can change. He is a very moral man, and has a strong patriotic pride and sense of decency.   I've seen him cry on 4 occasions: The first time he saw my children after they were born; when my daughter's baby was stillborn; when I told him, over the phone, "I love you," as he was on his way to the hospital in very serious condition; and when I gave him a photo album of the World War II Veterans' Memorial in Washington, D.C.

My husband is a very different kind of father than either of our fathers were, but the same at heart. He says, "I love you," very easily.  He not only says it, but he means it and he shows it. He has been the best father imaginable to our 4 children.  They definitely know his feelings and opinions on just about every subject. He feels so strongly about children, that he has taught school for 32 years, has been a scout leader, little league coach, and church school teacher. He is deeply involved in the Right to Life movement, trying to change the minds of people who don't value children as he does.  I married well.  So did my daughters.  My husband and I arrived at the hospital shortly after the birth of our second granddaughter and our son-in-law was holding her when we walked into the room.  With tears on his cheek, he said, "This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."  Our other son-in-law has been a source of strength for our daughter whose first baby was stillborn. His love for her has been evident in the way he cared for her through her 2 subsequent pregnancies.  He is obviously devoted to his children and to her.

Let me tell you about my son.  He was married almost 3 years ago.  He was commissioned in the Army several months later, and spent the next full year in Korea, without his wife. He came home for 6 months and was sent to Kuwait for a year-long hitch and it seemed very unlikely that he would be able to come home anytime during the year. When he left, his beautiful young wife was 3 months pregnant.  It looked as if he wouldn't see his baby until she was 7 months old. Thanks to modern technology, via the telephone, and remarkably inexpensive in the form of a calling card, he was able to be with her during labor and delivery and heard his daughter's first cries.  His father-in-law videotaped the birth and he will have that to help him remember the event.  He actually said that he would choose not to come home, even if he could, because it would be too hard to leave again. An opportunity presented itself, however. He was offered a job escorting some prisoners to Fort Lewis and would be able to see his wife and baby for 4 days. He leapt at the chance.  He had heard his baby cry, and now he wanted to meet her. Predictably, they all cried the day he went back.  At least he had been able to hold his daughter. Who can really describe how much that meant to all of them? My other son is not married, yet.  He has strong instincts and a good heart. I know he will be a great father when the time comes.  Whether the instinct to watch over and protect children is nature or nurture, I don't know, but he certainly has it.

Now let me tell you about a father who lost his daughter in a custody battle.  The baby's mother had died.  He was a cop. He had taken her to her grandfather to keep her safe while he was involved in a particularly dangerous assignment. Afterward, the grandfather claimed that the baby's father had deserted the child. The court sided with the grandfather, and awarded him custody. This is what that young father said through his sobs, "This isn't right. None of this is right. This is my daughter, my baby. She belongs with me. Oh, man! I want to tell her.  I want to explain to her - what she means to me!  No one prepares you for this - no one.  The day you find out you're going to be a Dad.  You're excited. You're scared. You just pray to God that you don't mess things up, you know. You really don't know how much that baby means to you until you hold that precious little life in your arms and then you realize that you're never going to let go. You'll do anything to protect her - anything. You'll move mountains - stop a bullet. No other love in the world hits you like that." Fathers these days say, "I love you."  Times have changed - or have they? Fathers now and always have given us instinctive, unconditional love, every bit as much as our mothers have. They deserve our love, our respect and our gratitude. They deserve equal consideration in the courts and under the law.  At the very least, they are entitled to equality.

PRESIDENT LETTER ARCHIVES

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